Day 32

OK, people. There's a new plan.

I weighed myself this morning and I was not super happy. I wasn't sad like I thought I could be, but I was not happy. I can only imagine what I would have seen 32 days ago. Eeeep.

After a few long and involved conversations with my trainer we have made a deal that I will lose 5 lbs. every month for January, February, and March. That's serious business. It's doable, but it's serious.

I bought new running shoes today and I am going to get back into running shape starting Monday. I need to fit aerobic workouts into my schedule at least 5 times a week.

Maybe I need to eat less fruit? I know this new Weight Watchers is working, I just don't know how fast. My clothes fit better and I can see my face thinning out. I could probably keep on doing what I'm doing and see if the extra aerobic pushes me over the edge. I wonder if I could go all of January without eating any meals out...

I'm taking this weight off and I'm taking it off for good. I want this bad and I want this for real.

Day 28: Week in Review

I am so curious to know if I'm losing weight. I'm tempted to jump on the scale but I don't think I'm ready yet!

This week I had 4 packets of splenda (2 decaf soy lattes).

This week I had 1 half-caf cup of coffee.

This week I only used 1 of my activity points.

This week I discovered Nestle After Eight thin mints for 1 point and packaged rice krispie treats are only 2 points.

This week I SURVIVED CHRISTMAS!

This week had it's challenges but all in all it was pretty smooth sailing. Next week, however, is a different story. I'm thinking of taking New Year's Eve off. Not the whole day, just dinner, dessert, and drinks. I'm going to continue the rest of the week, before and after, like normal. Maybe I can attempt to save up flexes and activity points even though I don't plan on remotely trying to count on Friday night. I'm not gonna go on a free for all though. The goal is to eat and enjoy but not to overeat and make myself sick. Indulge don't overindulge. This historically has been a problem for me, I've definitely been one to go off the deep end. Resist. Don't throw this 4 weeks of hard work down the drain!

4 weeks!?!?! Damn! I've been doing this for 4 whole weeks? It hasn't felt that long! Geez.

Day 26

This morning I woke up and I felt good. Good like I think this might be working good.

Day 22: Week in Review

For whatever reason I did not do a week in review last week. I think I was too flustered, frazzled, and flabbergasted.

A few confessions:

• This week I had a caffeine free diet pepsi! Splurge! And the week before I had some splenda in my (decaffeinated tea). I have been using sugar and honey for the majority of my sweetening purposes and have been a-ok doing so.

• I have not been working out as much as I would like to. I know, for me especially, a lot of this weight loss is gonna be about the food but I really would like to exercise more. It's been really super hard to fit the kind of time into my schedule that I would like and I want to get back into running shape.

• The same thing happened at the end of this week as last week. I get down to the end of my week with big meals out planned (I'd like to avoid these altogether, but 'tis the holiday season...). Now, with the Weight Watchers plan you can earn exercise points back which I haven't been tracking because I'd really like not to use them. So, I work really hard to make good choices at the end of my week, I try to track my points to the best of my knowledge, and end up going over. With a few tweaks and back-logging all the activity points I can remember, I sorta make it at the end of the week. This is not how I would like to operate: using every possible smidgen of a point that I can conjure up. I know it's better than not trying at all...it's just so so so much easier to eat at home!

I think the key, especially until the holidays are all over, is to keep on truckin. Perfection is not always an option but pretty damn good is almost as nice. I want to EAT IN! I want to not use all my flex points!

I had some success this week too! I survived a holiday dinner out by summoning up every ounce of my will power and ordering just a shrimp cocktail and cup of chicken soup. And that was it. But now I shall move forward full steam ahead leaving this week behind and ambitious for the next! Mush!

Day 21

I ate a MASSIVE amount of fruit today! I'm having a hard time believing that I can still lose weight eating this much fruit.

So in preparation for my evening dinner party, I ate mostly fruit and veggies all day. Right before the party I had a bowl of oatmeal to curb my appetite. I lucked out a little bit at this party A) because there was fruit everywhere! With appetizers, with desserts, it was all over the place! and B) it was buffet style, not a sit down dinner. There was not an enormous amount of healthy options to choose from, but I decided to try and fill up on protein: Hawaiian teriyaki chicken. I'm fully aware that teriyaki sauce has a bunch of sugar, but I thought it a better option than carbo loading on baked ziti and tomato tartlettes. I did let myself taste a little tiny bit of everything though, including two bites of mayonnaise-y based salad hoeur douvres and a tad of brie. I only had one glass of champagne, choosing to eat my calories for the evening. When dessert came along I wanted to jump in the punch bowl of egg nog and go for a swim but I stayed far far away. Instead I attacked the fruit and had 1/2 a mini cupcake, a bite of a chocolate covered gingerbread man, and 1/3 of a homemade whoopie pie.

I don't think I overindulged too badly but I was so stuffed. I think it was because I stuffed my gourd with fruit whenever I saw a platter of goodies that I wanted to hork down! I didn't do as much damage as I could have but it was SO HARD!

I feel that this is an appropriate time to express my insecurities about this new Weight Watchers plan. I've been eating a ton of fruit not just tonight but all the time. I'm fairly certain I haven't gotten myself fat off of fruit, but still...Basically, i don't know if this is working! Now, I do think my pants fit a little bit better and I've only been doing this for 3 weeks now but still...I wish I could see a difference. Granted, I haven't weighed myself. It started as protection from self sabotage: being pissed at the number on the scale and flying off the handle. If I were weighing myself I could quantitatively tell but, alas, I'm too fragile. I figure I'll weigh myself in January at some point. And hopefully it's a point when my size 12's are way too big and the number I see will not be horrifying. I want this to work and I'm so scared it's not. I'm still so hard on myself when I see myself in pictures or stare at my thighs at the gym. I need this to work.

Day 20

Oh my oh my! I'm in a bit of a pinch. Knowing all week that I had a Christmas dinner party coming up tomorrow night, I tried to save up as many of my flex points as possible for the occasion. Unfortunately, yesterday I had a crazy attack of the sweet tooth. I knocked my supply down from 31 to 11.

All is not lost. I'm just going to have to exercise a lot more self control than I had hoped. Today should not be a problem. I'm just trying to scheme for tomorrow the most effective way to use the least possible points during the day without being a ravenous beastwoman by party time. I'm sure it's humanly possible to sustain oneself on fruits and vegetables for 10 hours but I will have to stay strong.

I'm stressed!

Day 16

It is not my imagination: my pants fit just a little bit better. Praise the lord.

Day 14

Ok, friends. I need to start learning to like vegetables. I'm a-ok when it comes to fruit, aside from wicked bad gas...For these first 14 days I haven't been super worried about it because I haven't been crazy starving and I've been taking my daily multi-vitamin as a supplement.

I know veggies are probably a better choice than fruit because they have less sugars and starch and yumminess and whatnot. I just don't find many to be particularly enjoyable. I also don't like many of them raw so they become a whole lot more work. I like peas-a starchy green. I like non-soggy asparagus. I like skinny french green beans sauteed with garlic and a little olive oil. I eat salads but get bored quickly. I need sauces or dressings or dips or something to make the flavor more appealing. I'm fully aware that these things often add calories and fat. The decision then becomes about how many of my points I'm willing to sacrifice on vegetables. I'm also fairly decent at eating veggies when they are slightly hidden, like spinach in an omelette.

So my request for you, enormous reading public, is for tips. Think of what you would do to trick a small child into eating their veggies. Help!

Day 8

MY. BOOBS. ARE. SO. HUGE!!! Holy. Shit. I think I know exactly where this extra unwanted poundage went. A handful went to my gut, a shmear went to my thighs, and a whole hell of a lot went to my boobies!

I know it's not the worst thing, having a huge rack. But I don't want a rack of fat! My shirts are tight now and fit all weird. Ugh. I don't want to obsess too long because I know it isn't healthy and I don't want to get bogged down in negativity. But GODDAMN. I need to get this weight off!

Day 7: Week in Review

Well, well, well...

What an interesting week. Two very unexpected things happened that I had to wrestle:

On Monday (Day 1!) Weight Watchers decided to launch a brand spankin' new plan! I thought I was going back to my old familiar ways but no, sir, I'm still trying to sort this new junk out. Luckily, the new plan is still very similar to the old one. The big differences are how you calculate points values (most point values went up!), fruit doesn't count against you AT ALL, and daily point allowance slightly increased as did the flex points.

Then, on Wednesday I woke up with an insanely terrible sore throat. It persisted without any progress until I went to the doctor on Friday and got myself diagnosed with strep. Thank the lord, a few hours after starting my antibiotics I started feeling way way way better.

This week was not picture perfect, but somehow it worked. I did nothing even close to my previous detoxes, I feel like I kind of ate what I wanted...but counted all my points, of course. I ate a can of spaghetti o's one night, I had a mini haagen dazs one night, and dark chocolate multiple days. I didn't have any caffeine and in my numerous cups of hot tea, I used white sugar or honey. I may have flubbed up with chemicals/artificial sweeteners a little with some sugar-free cough drops, but they were all that I had-and I NEEDED them. I got lots of sleep while I was sick but only two days of exercise. Through all this I managed to still save most of my flexes until the weekend so I could order a big ass cheeseburger while out with friends on Saturday. At the end of the day today I still had 8 flexes!

I can't help thinking that I'm doing this new plan wrong. I wasn't overly hungry, I didn't feel deprived...I feel good! And I didn't feel like a lard factory after eating that burger like I would have a week or two ago. I don't know if I lost any weight but maybe, just maybe after 6 days of not wearing my work pants they'll fit a little bit looser tomorrow.

My goals for this next week are going to be: more exercise, prepare more meals (not take them out of a can), and maybe try to have even more flexes left over at the end of the week? I also need to continue to get ample sleep, and remember to take my daily vitamins!

I can do this, folks. The ball is rolling...

Tick...Tock...

As I'm sitting here drinking my last cup of caffeinated coffee in a long long while, I'm rip roarin' ready to get started. These last 10 days of waiting have seemed so unendingly long...Although I'm really trying to focus on being nice to myself, I feel awful! Disgusting! Droopy! Ugly! I crave being back on a healthy program.

This time has to be different. The changes that I make have to become more permanent. In the past I've had no problem making essential changes in the short-term, but I have to program these changes to stick. I have to break this predictable cycle.

I've already started out differently. I told my friends that I was doing this, not just on this blog but in person to their faces. The people around me know I'm making a change and I know that they will support me in whatever ways they can. In the past I've tried to keep it a secret out of embarrassment and bullshit.

I'm chomping at the bit to get started and I kind of wish I could fast forward to the end of December where I know I will be a happier, on-the-right-track, healthier human being!

And another thing...

I want to be NICE to myself! I already covered the physical junk, I'm talking about the mental torture. More specifically, this involves not beating myself up for being where I am. I can only be really really successful with positive reinforcement, negative might cause me to jump out a 40-story window.

So no name-calling! No lengthy mirror critiques! No pinching of fat rolls!

Now, I'm finished. I think. For the time being.

My birthday gift.

My birthday gift to myself this year is a commitment to finally get rid of this pesky extra 15-25 pounds, so that in 6 months I'm happily shopping for bathing suits for the first time EVER. I will give my body the gift of tender love and care. Of betterment.

After my summer back surgery, following months of pain and discomfort, I was so excited to take wonderful care of my new healthy body. Without getting too crunchy-granola, I want to respect and honor my body by taking the very best possible care of it. It would appreciate me lightening the load. It would appreciate strength. It would appreciate vitamins and nutrition. It would appreciate ample sleep. It would appreciate pride and being shown off!

I know this won't be easy but it doesn't have to be that hard. It's a challenge; a matter of discipline and focus on the investment for the future rather than instant gratification.

So, my birthday gift to myself will be coming late this year. But it won't be coming at all unless I commit now and follow through.

Crazy November!

I will begin my 100 days on November 29, the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. Having this date set in my mind is very reassuring and I'm absolutely looking forward to getting started.

However, in the meantime I feel like a major fatass! I wish I could wear elastic pants and XXXL t-shirts all day everyday. With all the craziness that seems to be happening in Novemeber: Halloween spill-over, vacations, birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving-related social events, and the emergence of both pumpkin and gingerbread flavored yummies...(sigh). I can't let myself gain an extra 15 pounds before I even start my challenge!

WHAT DO I DO? Be really good on the scattered few days that I can and just screw it on the days that I can't? I guess I should try not to overdo it on any given day but it's so freakin' hard. I'll say it: I'm a binger! And a food-hoarder! When I'm "being good", I do good. But when I'm not "being good", I'm "being bad" and take the opportunity to jump off the deep end! I stuff my face! Not healthy. And it physically and mentally makes me feel awful.

I think my goal is to have fun for these next 2-ish weeks! Having fun includes not stressing about avoiding certain foods, but having fun is also not making oneself sick.

One year later.

It has been almost one full year since I first attempted this silly 100 days madness. I had hoped to have tackled a few more bad habits by now but, alas, it has not been a smooth 6 months. My slight back/leg pain in January culminated into an excruciating June jam-packed with surgery, drugs, physical therapy, and limited exercise and activity.

Going back and reviewing this blog, it all seems pretty uninteresting. I'm not sure if there is anything in here worth reading, but in retrospect, I think it was a helpful tool for me. The accountability and frequent check-ins kept me on track, especially at the beginning.

So I'm going at this same healthy living/weight loss goal one more time! I apologize for the monotony and the pending boredom; you are officially excused from reading. But I'm going to start writing here again for me. I hope to carry the wonderful momentum I felt in my first 30 days last December into this year plus the following January and February.

Reflection. Reorganization. Review.

Let me tell you a short story: I have a friend who less than 3 months ago was a size 12. She started losing weight as part of a competition at work and has since lost 30lbs and is now a size 6/8!!! I am super happy for her and I am also frickin' jealous! I don't know exactly what she's been doing or if this was done in a 100% healthful manner but I need to step up my game! If she can do it, I can do it and summer is peaking around the corner.

My 5 day detox gave me back my focus and my drive. I can do this. I can say "no" to things. I can, in fact, feel much better about myself in just 5 days. I'm entering a new block of about 39 days. It is the 39 days before I go to Florida with 2 friends, one of which is mentioned in the above short story. It is going to be hot and we are going to be in skimpy clothes and bathing suits and I am determined to feel good about myself, and not like a lard ass.

Here's my new mission: I want to eat like I friggin' ate on this detox for the majority of those 39 days. That means minimally and basically while still counting my weight watchers points and banking those weekly flexible ones. (In my 5 days I used 4 of 20!) I'm already aware of 3 days where that will not be possible. On those days, hopefully only once a week and no more than twice a week, I will eat thoughtfully and not exceed those banked flexible points. So, really, I'm staying with the structure of the points system I've been using all along but with loads of new rules piled on. To improve on my 5 day detox I have to eat more vegetables. I ate a load of fruit but did not do great with veggies. My trainer is not a fan of all the sugar I'm getting from the fruit and the subsequent sugar highs and lows, etc. so I'll have to get creative. If I can do this I bet I can shed a bunch before Florida. I think 9 lbs, bringing me down to real 145 is totally do-able.

Day 31

I did it! I stuck to my super strict detox for 5 days! It was not easy and I was hungry a lot therefore cranky a lot...and definitely eating less makes me severely feel energy dips and the direct effects of what I'm eating and when. I was tired, I had headaches...it was all sorts of fun.

Soooo. I weighed myself this morning. 148. Not so bad. That means I only gained 3 pounds over this rocky period when I intentionally took a break and then unintentionally could not find my footing again. I bet this detox helped. I wonder how much I weighed before I did this...

Here's another thing. My scale said I weighed 148. My mother's scale said I weighed 154. I have the sneaking suspicion that my mom's is right :( That's ok, I guess, it just means way back when I though I had hit a new low of 145, I actually had not. I really probably hit 151. That's still well and good but not nearly as exciting. But now I know and knowing is half the battle.

Day 25

I had a fun weekend with a fair share of indulgences. One thing I've realized is that the last indulgence in a group of many is certainly not as sweet as the first (few). That's why they are indulgences. While I've recently been growing batty under extreme restraints, that is the very thing that make indulgences so sweet. They're occasional and special.

I've been trying to eliminate all of my 100 calorie packs and Weight Watchers ice cream bars and other diet desserts chock full of artificial sweeteners and chemicals. By cutting those out completely and not replacing them with, say, 2 Hershey's kisses or 1 cookie, I have made myself into a wild child that goes bat shit crazy once let off her leash! While my one time goal was to eliminate the diet desserts and the real desserts, denying myself completely makes me a ticking time bomb. I'm now left with the question, do I allow diet desserts back into my life or do I allow full fat fatty things back in my life that could be potentially dangerous should a binge be brewing?

I need a new approach. I need to think of food only as fuel for the body. It is not a reward, it is not comfort, it is not love, it is not rebellion. Food is what we need to survive. By putting good nutritious substance into my system, I am taking care of myself. By binge eating junk food, I am abusing and punishing my body. My cravings are not working against me, they are not to be squashed and denied, they are to be honored and accommodated rationally. Does this sound like a bunch of zen bullshit? Because that's not what I'm going for...I want to be good to myself rather than continue a somewhat destructive pattern.

I'm going to detox for the next 5 days. Not a crazy liquids only detox or a eat only grapefruit detox, but a simplifying and minimalistic detox. I want to eat primarily fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and dairy. I will leave out extraneous carbs, sugars, salts, caffeine and chemicals. I don't want to eat pre-prepared foods, I want to know everything that is going into each dish that I eat. For example, here's my plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast
Oatmeal with a dash of cinnamon, 2 tbsp. sliced almonds, and 2 tbsp. dried cranberries and 2 small mandarin oranges
Snack
2 bananas
Lunch
1/2 c. plain 0% greek yogurt with 1 c. mixed berries
Snack
myoplex light protein shake
Dinner
6 shrimp sauteed with sugar snap peas and 3 tbsp. soy vey marinade over 1/2 c. quinoa
Snack
5 hard boiled egg whites

Obviously I will not be making the protein shake but I think it's important to include for a quick, post-workout refuel. There will be no additional oils or extraneous snacks. There will, however, be lots of water and multivitamins. With 5 of these days in a row, hopefully I can shed any pounds I may have put on this weekend and shrink my belly in time for D-day. W-day. Weigh Day.

Day 23

I'm on this mission, right, to plow through straight til my doctor's appointment on May 10 being as close to perfect as possible. But this afternoon a friend of mine is coming to stay with me for the weekend and we will be out and about and eating out and drinking out and I would like to not lose my mind.

We plan on being fairly busy and active, but I already had a slip up this week. Maybe my philosophy for sanity should be indulge but don't overindulge? Maybe I can eat and drink but no dessert? No snacking between meals? Be smart. Don't panic. Try, just try not to be paralyzingly neurotic.

Will this end up completely screwing me up for my big weigh in? I'll have a full week to recover and work off the damage...is that enough? A few days ago I said the number doesn't really matter. The fact is, if I've gained IT DOES!

I want to have fun. I want to be skinny. I want to have fun. I also want to be so so so skinny!

Day 21

Oh poop, I overindulged. There was no good reason, really. I didn't have a celebratory meal out or go out with friends. My sweet tooth was just throbbing and I'm tired of denying myself! So tonight I didn't. And I don't really feel bad about it.

I want to lose weight, I really want to meet my goals but I sort of nailed it yesterday, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I want my weigh-in at my next doctor's appointment to be as spectacular as possible but whatever happens happens. Regardless of the number I see on the scale I will continue my efforts. Nothing will really be different.

I'm in a rough patch right now. I'll get through it and hopefully I'll get through it unscathed and then I will hit another smooth patch. Maybe weighing myself will be a relief, regardless of the number. I've been so stressed that I gained over Easter, and so obsessive about making up for it. Maybe I only gained 2 lbs. Maybe I've maintained and I'm exactly the same. I'm punishing myself for a crime I'm not even certain I've commit! It's gotta be the not knowing that's putting me on edge.

Day 20

I. AM. SO. GASSY. I cannot even believe this! Well, I guess I can. So much fiber!

I did pretty damn well this week! I ellipticalled 4 times and felt no exacerbated symptoms. And apparently 20 minutes of exercise has the same effect as taking an antidepressant. I was definitely feeling that. Finally. Thank God. I was also super awesome with my points. I barely ate out and I made good decisions. By 11:00 last night I still had 6 flex points to go and I didn't use any activity points that I earned back.

Now the downside: By 11:00 last night I was starving and after a long stressful week of meticulously counting and measuring, and much self-inflicted pressure to do good, I felt the extreme need for freedom. I didn't do anything rash. Well too rash. I took a spoon to the jar of peanut butter (with honey), grabbed my jumbo bag of raisins, slugged down some 1% milk, and topped it off with a low fat yogurt and fiber one bar. I don't know if that sounds heinous or not that bad. I will say, I did not eat myself sick. At some point I think I was eating to rebel/break away/feel my freedom rather than to satisfy hunger but I'm trying not to get down about it. It was, perhaps, an excessive quantity but not unhealthy foods. It could have been much worse, and I have been awfully hard on myself. In addition, the working out has definitely made me hungrier. It was not the best way to end my nearly flawless week but it's over and done and in the past. I was not great with my splendas either. I had, like, 4 coffees this week and a few teas. All decaffeinated but all with artificial sweetener. I had PMS. That's my only excuse.

And an update: While heating up my third serving of Dover Sole my roommate scolded me for not throwing it all in the garbage. I called my mother back and asked her, "What the hell? You didn't seemed panicked on Sunday, I'll be fine, right?" to which she told me that she didn't want to disappoint me after my culinary feat, but she had been concerned since the beginning. I also talked to my dad and then threw the rest of the sole out. I'll have to make that recipe again. IN A METAL BAKING PAN. Better safe than dead.

Day 18

Something very odd happened tonight while I was making dinner tonight...

I had some frozen Dover Sole from Trader Joe's to use so I found a recipe on weightwatchers.com that was super light and looked really good. It was baked sole over summer squash rounds with a lemon-chive sauce served with steamed sugar snap peas and a little bit of rice. This meal wasn't overly complicated but required a lot of fancy timing to make sure the rice was done in time, and that the sauce was ready when the fish came out, and that the sugar snap peas had time to finish steaming. While the fish was in the oven, I had three pots going on the stove top and I heard a really strange noise. Sometimes my apartment makes weird noises and I didn't see that anything was wrong so I forgot about it. When my timer beeped and I opened the oven, the glass Pyrex baking dish was shattered! The bottom of the pan was still there but the sides had completely broken away and a big mess of jagged pieces rested at the bottom of the oven. I pulled the fish out, examined it, picked off the few chunks on top and promptly called my mother. I was not in the mood to have my dinner ruined, and I worked so hard, and it looked so good so I decided to eat it anyway!

Some of you might be horrified that I didn't throw everything out. I was careful. A few times there was some suspicious crunch and the loud, echo-in-your-head-sound like chewing on sand...but I'm still alive. So far.

Day 13

I'm PUMPED UP! Last night was definitely a low but now I'm feeling better and I'm ready to set some goals for the week:
-I want to hit the elliptical this week. I want to burn some serious calories. I want to shed some serious blubber.
-One (1) coffee this week. I would say zero (0) but I have a coffee meeting with someone on Thursday. One is fine if it is only one. It will be decaffeinated and it will be my only splenda intake for the week.
-Zero (0) crap. Meaning 100 calorie packs, empty calories, etc. This detox means focusing on lean protein, lean dairy, whole grains, and lots of fruits and veggies. There's not much room for anything else. Except water...
-Drink a crap load of water!
and last but not least:
-I hope I feel a difference in my pants by the end of this week-even if it's partially mental. It will make me feel way less crazy.
Work your buns (and your gut) off! Lots of work means lots of payoff. Now go go go!

Day 12

I'm a giant loser!!! I'm a worthless hiney hole!!! I'm a masochistic psychopath!!!

Today, mainly tonight, was my last hurdle of the week. It wasn't even a hard one! I got through birthday dinner and an unexpected brunch with grace this weekend and I made the smart choices when I craved the wrong ones. Tonight, all I had to do was eat the dinner I had planned and go to bed. It was a very satisfying dinner too but once I was done my sweet tooth started itching...It was a familiar kind of itch, the kind that can't be scratched. In more literal terms, it was a craving that could not be satisfied with sweet or salty or FOOD. At the risk of sounding too Oprah, I was wanting to eat my feelings or stress or relief...or something...

I feel really fat. And I feel really scared. I still have not found the determination I know I once had. I don't feel the intensity. Maybe I need to feel tangible results again. My pants feel a tiny bit tighter and I'm getting annoyed at myself for ever taking a break. Nothing's a quick fix, it might take another week or two for my pants to go back to how they were pre-break and that's ok as long as they GO BACK!!!

With experience I've learned over and over that when I get to the end of the week, more times than not I crack under pressure. Meaning, if I splurge mid-week and use up all my flex points, the sheer stress of zero flexibility almost always gets me by the end of the week. Especially when I'm tired and I am EXHAUSTED! I had a plan, a well calculated plan, but the sheer stress and self inflicted pressure of having a perfect week broke me at crunch time. I need to use this knowledge REALLY USE IT to understand that I need to be strict at the beginning of the week and gradually give myself slack until the end.

I wasn't bad this week. I wasn't bad today. I was just bad tonight and I don't even think I was all that horrendous. This wasn't 'a run out for Ben & Jerry's splurge this was a 100-calorie pack, scavenge the cabinets kind of splurge. I realize it doesn't sound that bad but things have a way of accumulating.

Uugh. Well now this week is over and that's out of the way. I biked at the gym 5 times this week and that is definitely progress! I don't think it exacerbated my back problem at all so IT'S ON! Anything's better than nothing, right? Similar to cabinet grazing calories, exercise accumulates too and I definitely burned 500+ more calories this week than I did the week before!

I'm excited to tackle this next week. Once again (if at first you don't succeed...) I think I'm going to approach it like a detox week and I don't see any uncontrollable dining out situations on the horizon. I will avoid them like the plague. I know this gross disappointed feeling I have right now will fuel my beginning of the week cycle. I just need to get back in sync with this damn cycle and cycle my way into bathing suit season. Harumpf.

Day 6

Why is it that following a particularly heinous day, it seems that stuffing my face will make me feel better? The truth is, it kinda does. But only in the short run. Isn't it sort of self-sabotage rather than loving consolation for a bad day?

I'm out of the zone. At first I wasn't worried but now I'm starting to panic. It's really taking a lot longer than imagined to jump back into this thing! Granted I'm doing better in these past 5 days than I had been the two weeks prior, but I am nowhere near "on point".

Today is Tuesday, the official start of a new week according to my Weight Watchers point tracker. I'm starting fresh (once again) and I'm really really really trying to be drop-dead determined. It's almost like I'm too run down to do the work but am still wanting the pay off. It doesn't have to be that hard! I've done it before, I can do it again. I need to summon up my still napping will-power. Wake up! Wake up! WAAAKKKE UUUUUP!!!

Day 4

I'm off to a somewhat rocky start. Due to an unstocked fridge, sampling new (fatty) products for work, and giving into peer pressure I have not been strict as planned! I have not been heinous, but i NEED NEED NEED to take this seriously and get back on track.

Tomorrow's a new day and luckily, falling back into what is now habitually good eating has been much easier than anticipated. Look at that, those 100 days had a lasting effect. And I still have time to have 3 flawless weeks before another much anticipated medical weigh in.

GET WITH IT GODDAMMIT! Summer is sooooo close and hard work now will pay off later. Be a bad ass. DO IT DO IT DO IT. C'mon!

Day 1

Sweet lord, I feel like a stuffed sausage!
I feel like I weigh 500 lbs. On the bright side, I'm fairly certain that I don't actually weigh 500 lbs and I am more ready than ever to be back on a strict regimen. I crave it! Over these 2 little weeks it seems that I've mysteriously forgotten what fruits and veggies taste like and once again, I may have lost my hunger.

Hopefully any weight I've gained is guilt and water weight that will slide off in a flash. For this little 30-day sprint I will take no mercy. NO coffee. NO caffeine. NO splenda. NO CRAP. About 100 days ago I walloped 30 perfect days with ease. I think I can do it again.

On your marks, get set...

This amazing weather is making me super happy while at the same time reminding me how much I hate feeling chunky in hot summer weather. This is probably a sign, a sign meant only for me because, duh, I am the center of the universe. A sign that there is still time to firm up my floppy parts before summer time. Tomorrow is serious BACK TO WORK.

Summary

Hello dear readers (if, in fact, there is more than one of you) I'm still here. I apologize for seeming to be MIA and assure you that I've still been focused despite my internet absence. Real life temporarily bogged me down with inane things like work, medical mumbo jumbo, and bathing.

So, my 100 days are over. While I have not succeeded, I don't think I have completely failed. I didn't maintain my foundation for 100 straight days but something amazing happened! When I stepped on the scale on Day 115 I was only 10 pounds away from my goal weight! ONLY 10!!! This is the first time in YEARS (like, probably over 10 years) that I have been this amazingly close! So that, my friends, I refuse to categorize as a failure!

I'm going to take a short break. A short break to enjoy Passover sans guilt and a short break to refuel my engine. The goal really and truly is just to fan the flame, not to make backward progress. On Thursday April 8 I will sign on again to tackle these last 10 pounds (and maybe more?) to charge full speed ahead into the summer months. Maybe I'll go about it in a slightly different manner, in 3-30 day (more manageable) chunks or something. Also, in addition to weighing myself, I took my first set of measurements! Now I can focus on pounds and inches. Woot.

I CANNOT WAIT to start my aerobic workouts again. My back flare up certainly threw a wrench into that piece of the puzzle this time around. I don't know if it can necessarily be integrated realistically in the immediate future. My physical therapy is going just "meh" so I scheduled an appointment with my orthopedist for Monday. I've also stopped wearing my crazy shape-up shoes. So, in short, I have to be psychotic about food intake. Luckily, I am well practiced in being a psycho.

Day 94

Oh snap! It's that Shamrock Shake time of year again and I need to get my hands on at least one before they go into hibernation for another 350 days. I don't know why I love these little bastards so much but I just do. It could be nostalgia, it helps but I don't think so. They're just really goddamn good. One spring break during college I think I had one every single day that week. Large! Kinda gross...but that was when I was young and naive. A small one is 9 points. Not horrible, but definitely requires some thoughtful planning to work it into my budget.

Easter is the best candy holiday. It's still a little bit early but I'm starting to see those lovely pastel-y wrappers appear. Together, stellar candy and a tangible sign of impeding spring make me so so happy! How will I resist? I guess the right answer is by indulging but not overindulging. When you get down to the nitty gritty, most Easter candy is the same exact candy as it normally is all year long aside from pretty wrappers and fun shapes. Although it splendidly changes up the chocolate to peanut butter ratio of Reese's, these are the types of candy I should avoid. The ones that are super special and only available this time of year: Cadbury mini eggs and coconut bird's nests, those are my target. (Although, I did see those Cadbury mini eggs at Christmas time this year-still 10 months away!, and I've spotted love nests around Valentine's Day and buzzard's nests for Halloween.)

Day 92: Week in Review

So, this is a few days late. I'm sorry.

I can't believe it but I finished this last week really well. After an out of control hullaballoo of a Saturday I straightened myself out, including a Sunday evening meal out complete with shared desserts. On Monday I was super duper strict. I find that these are the situations that usually break me. The kinds where I put all this pressure on myself to be perfect OR ELSE. I'm not sure what was different, it could have been sheer exhaustion but I ate as I had planned and went to bed by 8:00.

Things that did fall to the wayside while stressing myself out over meticulously counting calories and overcompensation were coffee and artificial sweetener consumption. Oops. I had 4 or 5 cups of coffee last week and probably about a liter of diet soda over three days. They were all decaffeinated though...

If anything, I learned this week that I do have enough self control to be "perfect" and to pull through at the end. I also successfully jumped back on this horse speedily after falling off and being nearly trampled to death .

Day 90

Tsk tsk tsk.

I have been absolutely ravenous for the past couple of days! I don't know exactly what it is. I'll eat my normal sized portions, be ok for a little while, but shortly after feel STARVING! My 24 little daily points have not been stretching like I know they can. I have not drastically changed what I've been eating, I have not increased my workouts...the only thing I can think of is that I'm due to get my period in 2 days.

Are these pre-menstrual cravings and hunger pangs all a myth or is there actually scientific evidence that we burn more calories or something? I don't experience this insatiable hunger every month but yesterday I just caved in!

I had a stupid day. It was a day that I was sort of looking forward to that ended up not so fun, I was worn down from battling my hunger from the day before, I was just HUNGRY. I came home sort of down in the dumps and I just didn't want to feel hungry anymore so I ate until it was gone.

I'm a little pissed at myself but not really. I didn't binge on unhealthy foods, I was craving protein and substance. The part I'm a little pissed about is that I think some of it was emotional eating and that I could have had less.

But now's the important part: the morning after. Time to pick myself up and carry on as usual, leaving this dark night behind.

Day 89

I blame my PMS.

Day 85: Week in Review

I'm back in the game, people!

I got back to the basics and managed to get through this week unscathed. It is quite a relief too, I started to think that I had lost my mind!
-I had zero soda this week!
-I had 2 decaf soy lattes this week.
-I ate out twice this week but held tight to self-control. (I can't seem to not eat out! People pop in from out of town, old friends want to get together...)
-I cooked a big (4-serving) healthy recipe on Tuesday and ate it all week. That way, when I was famished and tired all I had to do was microwave. There doesn't need to be any creativity or brainstorming involved. It was just easy. Good plan.

My back is not fully recovered but it is doing a lot better. It really is a giant, constant physical and emotional weight. The physical therapy is helping slowly but surely and next week I'm determined to get back to the gym even if it's just for some bike and elliptical action.

I'm ready to finish this out with a bang. Sprint to the end thru March 26 (officially Day 116, unofficially Day 100?).

Day 78: Week in Review

I've been on a 4 day bender. I dreaded mentioning anything but I promised to be honest and so here it is, the dirty fat ugly truth.

I think I know what the problem is. I think that I have become too lenient in my mission. I had a great first 30-60 days! But then I got cocky and started making little allowances and as more and more previously banned foods crept back into my diet, my progress has slowed to a dead stop. I want to add a note here about my state of mind because I really truly think it plays a role in my success (and failure). Right now, my back problems are relentless. It is pain, and it is lack of control, and it is fear that I will never get back to normal, and it is a test of my patience. Working out is not everything but it is a hearty part of the weight loss equation. Having to put that on the back burner intellectually makes all the sense in the world but physically it slows progress. It shouldn't, in theory, stop it all together. However, this change and this retarded progress has seriously weakened my foundation. Maybe it's a condition of my personality, but when one thing falls to wayside it all of a sudden becomes way too easy for everything else to follow suit.

This long weekend, all of this cultivated itself into a rebellious free for all. Was it a relief to not feel hungry anymore? Yes. Was it fun to eat out and choose what I really wanted from the menu? Yes. Did I overeat? Yes. Did I physically feel good? No. Did I emotionally feel good? No. Huh, not really worth it...This type of behavior is not atypical for me. It falls into an unhealthy yet familiar cycle, a cycle I've been hoping to break. From experience, I know that the next step in the cycle is to militantly snap back into action. Sometimes it takes something like this to scare me straight.

So here I am facing a new week fresh and ready to go. I'm serious about charging through the next 3 weeks as staunchly as I approached the very first 3 of the challenge. I'm back to basics. Period.

Day 74

In addition to my mission to lose some bulges, I'd also like to save money as best as I possibly can. And, TA-DAH, here is where both of those aspirations collide!

Eating out is stressful for my diet. Eating out is also stressful for my wallet. Don't eat out! Not forever, but for now. I want to see if this is the super secret answer to both of my woes.

I've week to week toyed with the idea of being anti-social. That is not at all necessary if there is no eating involved in my social gatherings, or if I socially invite people over to my place to eat.

I'm doin' it.

Day 70: Week in Review

This was not the worst week, but alas, this was also not a perfect week.

I had one day where I lost my self-control, that was Super Bowl Sunday. I made chili, I had a contingency plan, I was ready...but there was so much good food and everyone else around me was eating and drinking and having fun while I was sitting there empty handed after my measly serving and I just lost it.

It's really hard not to beat myself up about it but I know I can't harp on it because I was good every other day of this week. and today I recovered, I bounced back, I jumped back on the wagon, etc.

But, really, I need to get my act together. Together together. I can make some real hard core progress if I stop f-ing around. I've decided that I want to weigh myself, but I only want to weigh myself after I've been really really really good for a minimum of 3 weeks. So here's the plan: I have a doctor's appointment on March 9 where, inevitably, I will be weighed. That means I want to be perfectly perfect starting next Tuesday.

Now don't get me wrong, I would love to be perfectly perfect this week too! I just know what I have ahead of me: a birthday dinner at a shmancy restaurant with my family. I may have to settle for a perfect week with one day off, much like this week. With exercise, of course.

Day 67

I'm hungry all the time. The only time I'm safe is when I'm so distracted that I forget that I'm hungry. Even though I still am.

I've increased my workouts (I mean, increasing from virtually nothing is always a big deal) but I'm only burning maybe 250 extra calories a day. Should I be this hungry? Thus far I've been able to partially control myself, I haven't gone overboard, but I wanted to bank a lot of my flexible points for this Super Bowl party coming up and in actuality I don't have that many to spare!

What to do? What to do? I guess I really have to practice restraint on Sunday and try to get used to this? Maybe it will go away?

Day 64: Week in Review

So, last week. Don't really want to talk about it anymore. It's done, it was fun, I'm ready to buckle down. I feel fat.

This week I have a Superbowl Party coming up, but I am fairly confident I will get through it smoothly. My trick? I'm cooking! Last year I made a vegetarian chili and a low-fat many beans chili and they were both huge hits! Nobody even realized they weren't fatty! So, I'm cooking again and while I will not be able to whip out my handy measuring cups, I can estimate without getting into scary territory. Amen. Other than that, I should probably vow to be anti-social. I'm ok with that.

My back is feeling a little better and I'm kicking a new workout routine into high gear. I'm aiming to be back at the gym 4-5 times per week to bike and ellipticize. When I was running, I could easily burn 400-500 calories a day. I wonder how long it will take to do that on my new regimen. We'll see. It'll be a struggle to not push my body too hard for my back's sake while wanting to push my body enough to burn calories again.

Day 61

Oh god, I'm a failure! I thought I could do it but I've already FAILED.

I'm officially extending my mission again, please? Let's make this 114 days?

This is a tough week. I knew this would be a really friggin' tough week. At some point, though, I decided to let go of the control-freaky stress of it all and just enjoy. Hopefully not overindulge but enjoy. And it's a treat! I don't want to resent it or myself, so there.

I want to and I need to get down to hardcore business and I know that and I should trust that I will jump back on (officially on Tuesday when all my restaurant week reservations are through). In other exciting news, my physical therapist has cleared me to use the stationary bike and the elliptical at the gym so I can at least get some decent cardio in again. With everything working in tandem once again maybe I can blast off these pounds and be a skinny minnie by spring time!

Day 58

Oh lordy, what am i going to do? I was prepared for a splurge tonight at a high end steakhouse and I probably would be fine if it were my only splurge of the week. Truth be told, it is probably 1 0f about 4...

I tried hard to eat light during the day in preparation for a big dinner. I did fairly well until the dreaded bread basket finally hit the table. This bread basket was particularly evil because it had a variety of different treats to sample (including a giant soft pretzel stick) and so I had to nibble on them all. I ordered pea soup followed by a 13 oz. filet! I immediately cut that sucker in half, there was no way I was eating that whole damn thing in one sitting. The table ordered some fries to share, which I partook in although I got crazy full crazy fast. For dessert I opted for fresh fruit instead of ice cream or cheesecake. I did ok. To put things into perspective, of my weekly 35 flex points, I have 12 left for the next 5 days. Bah!

The trap I need to avoid with all my might is giving into failure and scrapping this whole week. Even if things don't end up perfectly, I need to try and try like I know I will succeed! It is possible but I have to make it so. And I've learned a few lessons: just say no to bread baskets, there is no room for alcohol, and don't stuff yourself silly just because you're getting a bargain.

Be aggressive! Be be aggresive! B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E, goooooooooooooo me!

Day 57: Week in Review

I did it! I controlled myself this week, thank the lord. I ate in a lot, but still managed to be somewhat social. My one meal out this week was sushi, a very safe choice.

Today I start back at physical therapy for my back. The pain has not been excruciating but surprise surprise I have barely been working out. Huge pain in my ass!

This week should prove to be extremely challenging. Not only is it NYC restaurant week (where shmancy restaurants offer a fixed price $35 three-course menu), but I also have out of town visitors coming in this weekend. I'm torn: looking forward to super duper fun-ness but dreading the stress of trying not to get obese.

Last week was, honestly, not too tough. This week I promise to check in more, hopefully with stories of bravery in the face of adversity.

Day 50: Week in Review

Wow, what a week. I started out strong and ended with death and destruction.

I've identified problems with social eating. However, I've coped pretty damn well up until this strange point...my current mental weakness remains a mystery, I suspect a correlation with fatigue. I haven't been able to work out like I want to so I called my physical therapy office and will start that up again. Fatigue may also be stalling the healing process. I need more sleep. Maybe it's as simple as that. Sleep is an important component to health, maybe it's a priority that absolutely needs to stop sliding down to the bottom of the list. And also, when you're awake a crazy amount of hours you get hungry and work more meals into the day. Not good.

Day 50. This would be my halfway point if I hadn't added my brief extension. Here's to a perfect second half? And a well-rested one.

Day 49

I haven't been working out a lot lately. This last lapse in my back health is still giving me pain all the way down the outside of my right leg. This is not the kind of pain I've previously written about. By the way, I feel like I've been writing a hell of a lot about my back. It usually doesn't give me this many stinking problems, I swear this is atypical. The past few times have been soreness due to overexertion and general weakness but this time I really am recovering from something more severe. I've come back from it before but it is excruciatingly slow. The body needs time to heal, I know, but not working out makes me crazy. It must be because of endorphins and crap and I hate it. The brief lapses in soreness have made me hesitant to run but I'm still able to walk briskly, however this injury is painful even when I'm walking on the treadmill.

I feel inclined to go into more detail about a binge eating situation I faced yesterday. There is something that happens to me when I lose my grasp on control. (I think it's highly reactive to a lack of exercise, a proactive constructive contribution that is temporarily unavailable.) It's a tendency to jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wonder if I have some degree of an eating disorder. I'm not a serial binge eater but there is something about falling in to it that clouds your judgment and averts reason. A need to demolish anything that you can put in front of you and to have the things you "deprive yourself of" or can't eat on a diet, even though they are things that aren't that good or worth it anyway. For example, finishing a big chocolate brownie even though it's a little dry and you're already stuffed to the gills. That kind of happened yesterday beginning with brunch. It left me physically uncomfortable and mentally feeling terribly guilty.

I've been fairly good at derailing these occasional occurrences and I'm bothered by my failure yesterday. Nobody's perfect no matter how hard they try. But the need to keep trying will hopefully get me through this a healthier human being.

Day 48

Uuuugh! Deep down I'm a fat-fat-fatty and I'll always be a fat-fat-fatty inside. I was doing so good this week....

Last night I went out for a very fancy dinner. I had planned ahead knowing that I would be eating more than usual, but I cautiously made choices and luckily portions were very reasonable. I drank wine and ate dessert and didn't feel stuffed and disgusting. Flash to midnight out with friends stopping in a diner and against my better judgment giving in to a craving for cheese fries. I didn't need to eat anything else that night! I should have picked a fight with my friends and gone home early content that I defeated temptation. But I didn't.

Then today, I wanted to hard-core make amends. Too bad I was at a housewarming brunch glancing over bagels, cream cheese, and lox; noodle kugel; two kinds of quiche; big fat brownies and cupcakes; and mimosas. You tell me, what's my healthy option here? Perhaps the correct answer is eating breakfast at home? But I didn't. So, there.

I feel disgusting.

Day 43: Week in Review

Gah! It's hard trying to be perfect. Especially when you attend a dinner party one night and are invited to try Bobby Flay's restaurant with out of town friends another night. Oh yeah, and also when you try to get back into your running routine and halfway throw you back out. Again.

At the dinner party I slipped under the radar by sipping half glasses of wine. That way people thought I was being a lot more lush and fun than I actually was! I refilled my half a glass three times!

Bobby Flay's was difficult, especially because I wanted to try everything! I stuck with seafood, attempted to avoid homemade potato chips and indulged in 2 split desserts shared by the table. If peer pressure had not been involved I surely would have skipped dessert...

I need complete control. I crave complete control. If I could be anti-social and not attract attention to my anti-social-ness, I would vow not to eat out at all for the whole week. Looking ahead, I forsee this being a problem for a Saturday evening family dinner and a Sunday afternoon housewarming party. Good God.

And, I must say, my back is really starting to piss me off. Body, you need to get it together! I can't keep up this 3 day on, 8 day recovery schedule. It's hardly constructive.

But here comes a new week, and here I go again.

Day 35: Holidays in Review

Today is the day that I return to my normal, pre-holiday life. I've been lenient with some of my rules but I honestly have to say, I think I've made it through more successfully than ever before!

I've had 2 days where I absolutely overate and felt disgusting afterwards. I've been working out, not as vigorously, but I've been active nonetheless. I've not been strict with caffeine and artificial sweetener consumption. I've gotten loads of positive reinforcement which is definitely fueling my fire to blaze on through the next 65 days. Speaking of 65 days, I feel terribly guilty about my transgressions and would like to repent by tacking a full week on to the end of my 100 days. This way, I truly will have the full 100 habit-forming days even if they are not all consecutive.

I'm ready to click back to my Day 1 attitude. For my gut and my wallet's sake I need to eat in! A trip to Trader Joe's is in order, as well as a visit back to the gym. Maybe a week or two with no coffee whatsoever, and the same goes for 100 calorie packs!

I have not stepped onto a scale but I really think there's been progress. If I can do all this in 35 days, I can't wait to see what's possible in the next 72!