Oh god, I'm a failure! I thought I could do it but I've already FAILED.
I'm officially extending my mission again, please? Let's make this 114 days?
This is a tough week. I knew this would be a really friggin' tough week. At some point, though, I decided to let go of the control-freaky stress of it all and just enjoy. Hopefully not overindulge but enjoy. And it's a treat! I don't want to resent it or myself, so there.
I want to and I need to get down to hardcore business and I know that and I should trust that I will jump back on (officially on Tuesday when all my restaurant week reservations are through). In other exciting news, my physical therapist has cleared me to use the stationary bike and the elliptical at the gym so I can at least get some decent cardio in again. With everything working in tandem once again maybe I can blast off these pounds and be a skinny minnie by spring time!
1/30/10
1/27/10
Day 58
Oh lordy, what am i going to do? I was prepared for a splurge tonight at a high end steakhouse and I probably would be fine if it were my only splurge of the week. Truth be told, it is probably 1 0f about 4...
I tried hard to eat light during the day in preparation for a big dinner. I did fairly well until the dreaded bread basket finally hit the table. This bread basket was particularly evil because it had a variety of different treats to sample (including a giant soft pretzel stick) and so I had to nibble on them all. I ordered pea soup followed by a 13 oz. filet! I immediately cut that sucker in half, there was no way I was eating that whole damn thing in one sitting. The table ordered some fries to share, which I partook in although I got crazy full crazy fast. For dessert I opted for fresh fruit instead of ice cream or cheesecake. I did ok. To put things into perspective, of my weekly 35 flex points, I have 12 left for the next 5 days. Bah!
The trap I need to avoid with all my might is giving into failure and scrapping this whole week. Even if things don't end up perfectly, I need to try and try like I know I will succeed! It is possible but I have to make it so. And I've learned a few lessons: just say no to bread baskets, there is no room for alcohol, and don't stuff yourself silly just because you're getting a bargain.
Be aggressive! Be be aggresive! B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E, goooooooooooooo me!
I tried hard to eat light during the day in preparation for a big dinner. I did fairly well until the dreaded bread basket finally hit the table. This bread basket was particularly evil because it had a variety of different treats to sample (including a giant soft pretzel stick) and so I had to nibble on them all. I ordered pea soup followed by a 13 oz. filet! I immediately cut that sucker in half, there was no way I was eating that whole damn thing in one sitting. The table ordered some fries to share, which I partook in although I got crazy full crazy fast. For dessert I opted for fresh fruit instead of ice cream or cheesecake. I did ok. To put things into perspective, of my weekly 35 flex points, I have 12 left for the next 5 days. Bah!
The trap I need to avoid with all my might is giving into failure and scrapping this whole week. Even if things don't end up perfectly, I need to try and try like I know I will succeed! It is possible but I have to make it so. And I've learned a few lessons: just say no to bread baskets, there is no room for alcohol, and don't stuff yourself silly just because you're getting a bargain.
Be aggressive! Be be aggresive! B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E, goooooooooooooo me!
1/26/10
Day 57: Week in Review
I did it! I controlled myself this week, thank the lord. I ate in a lot, but still managed to be somewhat social. My one meal out this week was sushi, a very safe choice.
Today I start back at physical therapy for my back. The pain has not been excruciating but surprise surprise I have barely been working out. Huge pain in my ass!
This week should prove to be extremely challenging. Not only is it NYC restaurant week (where shmancy restaurants offer a fixed price $35 three-course menu), but I also have out of town visitors coming in this weekend. I'm torn: looking forward to super duper fun-ness but dreading the stress of trying not to get obese.
Last week was, honestly, not too tough. This week I promise to check in more, hopefully with stories of bravery in the face of adversity.
Today I start back at physical therapy for my back. The pain has not been excruciating but surprise surprise I have barely been working out. Huge pain in my ass!
This week should prove to be extremely challenging. Not only is it NYC restaurant week (where shmancy restaurants offer a fixed price $35 three-course menu), but I also have out of town visitors coming in this weekend. I'm torn: looking forward to super duper fun-ness but dreading the stress of trying not to get obese.
Last week was, honestly, not too tough. This week I promise to check in more, hopefully with stories of bravery in the face of adversity.
1/19/10
Day 50: Week in Review
Wow, what a week. I started out strong and ended with death and destruction.
I've identified problems with social eating. However, I've coped pretty damn well up until this strange point...my current mental weakness remains a mystery, I suspect a correlation with fatigue. I haven't been able to work out like I want to so I called my physical therapy office and will start that up again. Fatigue may also be stalling the healing process. I need more sleep. Maybe it's as simple as that. Sleep is an important component to health, maybe it's a priority that absolutely needs to stop sliding down to the bottom of the list. And also, when you're awake a crazy amount of hours you get hungry and work more meals into the day. Not good.
Day 50. This would be my halfway point if I hadn't added my brief extension. Here's to a perfect second half? And a well-rested one.
I've identified problems with social eating. However, I've coped pretty damn well up until this strange point...my current mental weakness remains a mystery, I suspect a correlation with fatigue. I haven't been able to work out like I want to so I called my physical therapy office and will start that up again. Fatigue may also be stalling the healing process. I need more sleep. Maybe it's as simple as that. Sleep is an important component to health, maybe it's a priority that absolutely needs to stop sliding down to the bottom of the list. And also, when you're awake a crazy amount of hours you get hungry and work more meals into the day. Not good.
Day 50. This would be my halfway point if I hadn't added my brief extension. Here's to a perfect second half? And a well-rested one.
1/18/10
Day 49
I haven't been working out a lot lately. This last lapse in my back health is still giving me pain all the way down the outside of my right leg. This is not the kind of pain I've previously written about. By the way, I feel like I've been writing a hell of a lot about my back. It usually doesn't give me this many stinking problems, I swear this is atypical. The past few times have been soreness due to overexertion and general weakness but this time I really am recovering from something more severe. I've come back from it before but it is excruciatingly slow. The body needs time to heal, I know, but not working out makes me crazy. It must be because of endorphins and crap and I hate it. The brief lapses in soreness have made me hesitant to run but I'm still able to walk briskly, however this injury is painful even when I'm walking on the treadmill.
I feel inclined to go into more detail about a binge eating situation I faced yesterday. There is something that happens to me when I lose my grasp on control. (I think it's highly reactive to a lack of exercise, a proactive constructive contribution that is temporarily unavailable.) It's a tendency to jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wonder if I have some degree of an eating disorder. I'm not a serial binge eater but there is something about falling in to it that clouds your judgment and averts reason. A need to demolish anything that you can put in front of you and to have the things you "deprive yourself of" or can't eat on a diet, even though they are things that aren't that good or worth it anyway. For example, finishing a big chocolate brownie even though it's a little dry and you're already stuffed to the gills. That kind of happened yesterday beginning with brunch. It left me physically uncomfortable and mentally feeling terribly guilty.
I've been fairly good at derailing these occasional occurrences and I'm bothered by my failure yesterday. Nobody's perfect no matter how hard they try. But the need to keep trying will hopefully get me through this a healthier human being.
I feel inclined to go into more detail about a binge eating situation I faced yesterday. There is something that happens to me when I lose my grasp on control. (I think it's highly reactive to a lack of exercise, a proactive constructive contribution that is temporarily unavailable.) It's a tendency to jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wonder if I have some degree of an eating disorder. I'm not a serial binge eater but there is something about falling in to it that clouds your judgment and averts reason. A need to demolish anything that you can put in front of you and to have the things you "deprive yourself of" or can't eat on a diet, even though they are things that aren't that good or worth it anyway. For example, finishing a big chocolate brownie even though it's a little dry and you're already stuffed to the gills. That kind of happened yesterday beginning with brunch. It left me physically uncomfortable and mentally feeling terribly guilty.
I've been fairly good at derailing these occasional occurrences and I'm bothered by my failure yesterday. Nobody's perfect no matter how hard they try. But the need to keep trying will hopefully get me through this a healthier human being.
1/17/10
Day 48
Uuuugh! Deep down I'm a fat-fat-fatty and I'll always be a fat-fat-fatty inside. I was doing so good this week....
Last night I went out for a very fancy dinner. I had planned ahead knowing that I would be eating more than usual, but I cautiously made choices and luckily portions were very reasonable. I drank wine and ate dessert and didn't feel stuffed and disgusting. Flash to midnight out with friends stopping in a diner and against my better judgment giving in to a craving for cheese fries. I didn't need to eat anything else that night! I should have picked a fight with my friends and gone home early content that I defeated temptation. But I didn't.
Then today, I wanted to hard-core make amends. Too bad I was at a housewarming brunch glancing over bagels, cream cheese, and lox; noodle kugel; two kinds of quiche; big fat brownies and cupcakes; and mimosas. You tell me, what's my healthy option here? Perhaps the correct answer is eating breakfast at home? But I didn't. So, there.
I feel disgusting.
Last night I went out for a very fancy dinner. I had planned ahead knowing that I would be eating more than usual, but I cautiously made choices and luckily portions were very reasonable. I drank wine and ate dessert and didn't feel stuffed and disgusting. Flash to midnight out with friends stopping in a diner and against my better judgment giving in to a craving for cheese fries. I didn't need to eat anything else that night! I should have picked a fight with my friends and gone home early content that I defeated temptation. But I didn't.
Then today, I wanted to hard-core make amends. Too bad I was at a housewarming brunch glancing over bagels, cream cheese, and lox; noodle kugel; two kinds of quiche; big fat brownies and cupcakes; and mimosas. You tell me, what's my healthy option here? Perhaps the correct answer is eating breakfast at home? But I didn't. So, there.
I feel disgusting.
1/12/10
Day 43: Week in Review
Gah! It's hard trying to be perfect. Especially when you attend a dinner party one night and are invited to try Bobby Flay's restaurant with out of town friends another night. Oh yeah, and also when you try to get back into your running routine and halfway throw you back out. Again.
At the dinner party I slipped under the radar by sipping half glasses of wine. That way people thought I was being a lot more lush and fun than I actually was! I refilled my half a glass three times!
Bobby Flay's was difficult, especially because I wanted to try everything! I stuck with seafood, attempted to avoid homemade potato chips and indulged in 2 split desserts shared by the table. If peer pressure had not been involved I surely would have skipped dessert...
I need complete control. I crave complete control. If I could be anti-social and not attract attention to my anti-social-ness, I would vow not to eat out at all for the whole week. Looking ahead, I forsee this being a problem for a Saturday evening family dinner and a Sunday afternoon housewarming party. Good God.
And, I must say, my back is really starting to piss me off. Body, you need to get it together! I can't keep up this 3 day on, 8 day recovery schedule. It's hardly constructive.
But here comes a new week, and here I go again.
At the dinner party I slipped under the radar by sipping half glasses of wine. That way people thought I was being a lot more lush and fun than I actually was! I refilled my half a glass three times!
Bobby Flay's was difficult, especially because I wanted to try everything! I stuck with seafood, attempted to avoid homemade potato chips and indulged in 2 split desserts shared by the table. If peer pressure had not been involved I surely would have skipped dessert...
I need complete control. I crave complete control. If I could be anti-social and not attract attention to my anti-social-ness, I would vow not to eat out at all for the whole week. Looking ahead, I forsee this being a problem for a Saturday evening family dinner and a Sunday afternoon housewarming party. Good God.
And, I must say, my back is really starting to piss me off. Body, you need to get it together! I can't keep up this 3 day on, 8 day recovery schedule. It's hardly constructive.
But here comes a new week, and here I go again.
1/4/10
Day 35: Holidays in Review
Today is the day that I return to my normal, pre-holiday life. I've been lenient with some of my rules but I honestly have to say, I think I've made it through more successfully than ever before!
I've had 2 days where I absolutely overate and felt disgusting afterwards. I've been working out, not as vigorously, but I've been active nonetheless. I've not been strict with caffeine and artificial sweetener consumption. I've gotten loads of positive reinforcement which is definitely fueling my fire to blaze on through the next 65 days. Speaking of 65 days, I feel terribly guilty about my transgressions and would like to repent by tacking a full week on to the end of my 100 days. This way, I truly will have the full 100 habit-forming days even if they are not all consecutive.
I'm ready to click back to my Day 1 attitude. For my gut and my wallet's sake I need to eat in! A trip to Trader Joe's is in order, as well as a visit back to the gym. Maybe a week or two with no coffee whatsoever, and the same goes for 100 calorie packs!
I have not stepped onto a scale but I really think there's been progress. If I can do all this in 35 days, I can't wait to see what's possible in the next 72!
I've had 2 days where I absolutely overate and felt disgusting afterwards. I've been working out, not as vigorously, but I've been active nonetheless. I've not been strict with caffeine and artificial sweetener consumption. I've gotten loads of positive reinforcement which is definitely fueling my fire to blaze on through the next 65 days. Speaking of 65 days, I feel terribly guilty about my transgressions and would like to repent by tacking a full week on to the end of my 100 days. This way, I truly will have the full 100 habit-forming days even if they are not all consecutive.
I'm ready to click back to my Day 1 attitude. For my gut and my wallet's sake I need to eat in! A trip to Trader Joe's is in order, as well as a visit back to the gym. Maybe a week or two with no coffee whatsoever, and the same goes for 100 calorie packs!
I have not stepped onto a scale but I really think there's been progress. If I can do all this in 35 days, I can't wait to see what's possible in the next 72!
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