I'm on this mission, right, to plow through straight til my doctor's appointment on May 10 being as close to perfect as possible. But this afternoon a friend of mine is coming to stay with me for the weekend and we will be out and about and eating out and drinking out and I would like to not lose my mind.
We plan on being fairly busy and active, but I already had a slip up this week. Maybe my philosophy for sanity should be indulge but don't overindulge? Maybe I can eat and drink but no dessert? No snacking between meals? Be smart. Don't panic. Try, just try not to be paralyzingly neurotic.
Will this end up completely screwing me up for my big weigh in? I'll have a full week to recover and work off the damage...is that enough? A few days ago I said the number doesn't really matter. The fact is, if I've gained IT DOES!
I want to have fun. I want to be skinny. I want to have fun. I also want to be so so so skinny!
4/30/10
4/28/10
Day 21
Oh poop, I overindulged. There was no good reason, really. I didn't have a celebratory meal out or go out with friends. My sweet tooth was just throbbing and I'm tired of denying myself! So tonight I didn't. And I don't really feel bad about it.
I want to lose weight, I really want to meet my goals but I sort of nailed it yesterday, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I want my weigh-in at my next doctor's appointment to be as spectacular as possible but whatever happens happens. Regardless of the number I see on the scale I will continue my efforts. Nothing will really be different.
I'm in a rough patch right now. I'll get through it and hopefully I'll get through it unscathed and then I will hit another smooth patch. Maybe weighing myself will be a relief, regardless of the number. I've been so stressed that I gained over Easter, and so obsessive about making up for it. Maybe I only gained 2 lbs. Maybe I've maintained and I'm exactly the same. I'm punishing myself for a crime I'm not even certain I've commit! It's gotta be the not knowing that's putting me on edge.
I want to lose weight, I really want to meet my goals but I sort of nailed it yesterday, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I want my weigh-in at my next doctor's appointment to be as spectacular as possible but whatever happens happens. Regardless of the number I see on the scale I will continue my efforts. Nothing will really be different.
I'm in a rough patch right now. I'll get through it and hopefully I'll get through it unscathed and then I will hit another smooth patch. Maybe weighing myself will be a relief, regardless of the number. I've been so stressed that I gained over Easter, and so obsessive about making up for it. Maybe I only gained 2 lbs. Maybe I've maintained and I'm exactly the same. I'm punishing myself for a crime I'm not even certain I've commit! It's gotta be the not knowing that's putting me on edge.
4/27/10
Day 20
I. AM. SO. GASSY. I cannot even believe this! Well, I guess I can. So much fiber!
I did pretty damn well this week! I ellipticalled 4 times and felt no exacerbated symptoms. And apparently 20 minutes of exercise has the same effect as taking an antidepressant. I was definitely feeling that. Finally. Thank God. I was also super awesome with my points. I barely ate out and I made good decisions. By 11:00 last night I still had 6 flex points to go and I didn't use any activity points that I earned back.
Now the downside: By 11:00 last night I was starving and after a long stressful week of meticulously counting and measuring, and much self-inflicted pressure to do good, I felt the extreme need for freedom. I didn't do anything rash. Well too rash. I took a spoon to the jar of peanut butter (with honey), grabbed my jumbo bag of raisins, slugged down some 1% milk, and topped it off with a low fat yogurt and fiber one bar. I don't know if that sounds heinous or not that bad. I will say, I did not eat myself sick. At some point I think I was eating to rebel/break away/feel my freedom rather than to satisfy hunger but I'm trying not to get down about it. It was, perhaps, an excessive quantity but not unhealthy foods. It could have been much worse, and I have been awfully hard on myself. In addition, the working out has definitely made me hungrier. It was not the best way to end my nearly flawless week but it's over and done and in the past. I was not great with my splendas either. I had, like, 4 coffees this week and a few teas. All decaffeinated but all with artificial sweetener. I had PMS. That's my only excuse.
And an update: While heating up my third serving of Dover Sole my roommate scolded me for not throwing it all in the garbage. I called my mother back and asked her, "What the hell? You didn't seemed panicked on Sunday, I'll be fine, right?" to which she told me that she didn't want to disappoint me after my culinary feat, but she had been concerned since the beginning. I also talked to my dad and then threw the rest of the sole out. I'll have to make that recipe again. IN A METAL BAKING PAN. Better safe than dead.
I did pretty damn well this week! I ellipticalled 4 times and felt no exacerbated symptoms. And apparently 20 minutes of exercise has the same effect as taking an antidepressant. I was definitely feeling that. Finally. Thank God. I was also super awesome with my points. I barely ate out and I made good decisions. By 11:00 last night I still had 6 flex points to go and I didn't use any activity points that I earned back.
Now the downside: By 11:00 last night I was starving and after a long stressful week of meticulously counting and measuring, and much self-inflicted pressure to do good, I felt the extreme need for freedom. I didn't do anything rash. Well too rash. I took a spoon to the jar of peanut butter (with honey), grabbed my jumbo bag of raisins, slugged down some 1% milk, and topped it off with a low fat yogurt and fiber one bar. I don't know if that sounds heinous or not that bad. I will say, I did not eat myself sick. At some point I think I was eating to rebel/break away/feel my freedom rather than to satisfy hunger but I'm trying not to get down about it. It was, perhaps, an excessive quantity but not unhealthy foods. It could have been much worse, and I have been awfully hard on myself. In addition, the working out has definitely made me hungrier. It was not the best way to end my nearly flawless week but it's over and done and in the past. I was not great with my splendas either. I had, like, 4 coffees this week and a few teas. All decaffeinated but all with artificial sweetener. I had PMS. That's my only excuse.
And an update: While heating up my third serving of Dover Sole my roommate scolded me for not throwing it all in the garbage. I called my mother back and asked her, "What the hell? You didn't seemed panicked on Sunday, I'll be fine, right?" to which she told me that she didn't want to disappoint me after my culinary feat, but she had been concerned since the beginning. I also talked to my dad and then threw the rest of the sole out. I'll have to make that recipe again. IN A METAL BAKING PAN. Better safe than dead.
4/25/10
Day 18
Something very odd happened tonight while I was making dinner tonight...
I had some frozen Dover Sole from Trader Joe's to use so I found a recipe on weightwatchers.com that was super light and looked really good. It was baked sole over summer squash rounds with a lemon-chive sauce served with steamed sugar snap peas and a little bit of rice. This meal wasn't overly complicated but required a lot of fancy timing to make sure the rice was done in time, and that the sauce was ready when the fish came out, and that the sugar snap peas had time to finish steaming. While the fish was in the oven, I had three pots going on the stove top and I heard a really strange noise. Sometimes my apartment makes weird noises and I didn't see that anything was wrong so I forgot about it. When my timer beeped and I opened the oven, the glass Pyrex baking dish was shattered! The bottom of the pan was still there but the sides had completely broken away and a big mess of jagged pieces rested at the bottom of the oven. I pulled the fish out, examined it, picked off the few chunks on top and promptly called my mother. I was not in the mood to have my dinner ruined, and I worked so hard, and it looked so good so I decided to eat it anyway!
Some of you might be horrified that I didn't throw everything out. I was careful. A few times there was some suspicious crunch and the loud, echo-in-your-head-sound like chewing on sand...but I'm still alive. So far.
I had some frozen Dover Sole from Trader Joe's to use so I found a recipe on weightwatchers.com that was super light and looked really good. It was baked sole over summer squash rounds with a lemon-chive sauce served with steamed sugar snap peas and a little bit of rice. This meal wasn't overly complicated but required a lot of fancy timing to make sure the rice was done in time, and that the sauce was ready when the fish came out, and that the sugar snap peas had time to finish steaming. While the fish was in the oven, I had three pots going on the stove top and I heard a really strange noise. Sometimes my apartment makes weird noises and I didn't see that anything was wrong so I forgot about it. When my timer beeped and I opened the oven, the glass Pyrex baking dish was shattered! The bottom of the pan was still there but the sides had completely broken away and a big mess of jagged pieces rested at the bottom of the oven. I pulled the fish out, examined it, picked off the few chunks on top and promptly called my mother. I was not in the mood to have my dinner ruined, and I worked so hard, and it looked so good so I decided to eat it anyway!
Some of you might be horrified that I didn't throw everything out. I was careful. A few times there was some suspicious crunch and the loud, echo-in-your-head-sound like chewing on sand...but I'm still alive. So far.
4/20/10
Day 13
I'm PUMPED UP! Last night was definitely a low but now I'm feeling better and I'm ready to set some goals for the week:
-I want to hit the elliptical this week. I want to burn some serious calories. I want to shed some serious blubber.
-One (1) coffee this week. I would say zero (0) but I have a coffee meeting with someone on Thursday. One is fine if it is only one. It will be decaffeinated and it will be my only splenda intake for the week.
-Zero (0) crap. Meaning 100 calorie packs, empty calories, etc. This detox means focusing on lean protein, lean dairy, whole grains, and lots of fruits and veggies. There's not much room for anything else. Except water...
-Drink a crap load of water!
and last but not least:
-I hope I feel a difference in my pants by the end of this week-even if it's partially mental. It will make me feel way less crazy.
Work your buns (and your gut) off! Lots of work means lots of payoff. Now go go go!
-I want to hit the elliptical this week. I want to burn some serious calories. I want to shed some serious blubber.
-One (1) coffee this week. I would say zero (0) but I have a coffee meeting with someone on Thursday. One is fine if it is only one. It will be decaffeinated and it will be my only splenda intake for the week.
-Zero (0) crap. Meaning 100 calorie packs, empty calories, etc. This detox means focusing on lean protein, lean dairy, whole grains, and lots of fruits and veggies. There's not much room for anything else. Except water...
-Drink a crap load of water!
and last but not least:
-I hope I feel a difference in my pants by the end of this week-even if it's partially mental. It will make me feel way less crazy.
Work your buns (and your gut) off! Lots of work means lots of payoff. Now go go go!
4/19/10
Day 12
I'm a giant loser!!! I'm a worthless hiney hole!!! I'm a masochistic psychopath!!!
Today, mainly tonight, was my last hurdle of the week. It wasn't even a hard one! I got through birthday dinner and an unexpected brunch with grace this weekend and I made the smart choices when I craved the wrong ones. Tonight, all I had to do was eat the dinner I had planned and go to bed. It was a very satisfying dinner too but once I was done my sweet tooth started itching...It was a familiar kind of itch, the kind that can't be scratched. In more literal terms, it was a craving that could not be satisfied with sweet or salty or FOOD. At the risk of sounding too Oprah, I was wanting to eat my feelings or stress or relief...or something...
I feel really fat. And I feel really scared. I still have not found the determination I know I once had. I don't feel the intensity. Maybe I need to feel tangible results again. My pants feel a tiny bit tighter and I'm getting annoyed at myself for ever taking a break. Nothing's a quick fix, it might take another week or two for my pants to go back to how they were pre-break and that's ok as long as they GO BACK!!!
With experience I've learned over and over that when I get to the end of the week, more times than not I crack under pressure. Meaning, if I splurge mid-week and use up all my flex points, the sheer stress of zero flexibility almost always gets me by the end of the week. Especially when I'm tired and I am EXHAUSTED! I had a plan, a well calculated plan, but the sheer stress and self inflicted pressure of having a perfect week broke me at crunch time. I need to use this knowledge REALLY USE IT to understand that I need to be strict at the beginning of the week and gradually give myself slack until the end.
I wasn't bad this week. I wasn't bad today. I was just bad tonight and I don't even think I was all that horrendous. This wasn't 'a run out for Ben & Jerry's splurge this was a 100-calorie pack, scavenge the cabinets kind of splurge. I realize it doesn't sound that bad but things have a way of accumulating.
Uugh. Well now this week is over and that's out of the way. I biked at the gym 5 times this week and that is definitely progress! I don't think it exacerbated my back problem at all so IT'S ON! Anything's better than nothing, right? Similar to cabinet grazing calories, exercise accumulates too and I definitely burned 500+ more calories this week than I did the week before!
I'm excited to tackle this next week. Once again (if at first you don't succeed...) I think I'm going to approach it like a detox week and I don't see any uncontrollable dining out situations on the horizon. I will avoid them like the plague. I know this gross disappointed feeling I have right now will fuel my beginning of the week cycle. I just need to get back in sync with this damn cycle and cycle my way into bathing suit season. Harumpf.
Today, mainly tonight, was my last hurdle of the week. It wasn't even a hard one! I got through birthday dinner and an unexpected brunch with grace this weekend and I made the smart choices when I craved the wrong ones. Tonight, all I had to do was eat the dinner I had planned and go to bed. It was a very satisfying dinner too but once I was done my sweet tooth started itching...It was a familiar kind of itch, the kind that can't be scratched. In more literal terms, it was a craving that could not be satisfied with sweet or salty or FOOD. At the risk of sounding too Oprah, I was wanting to eat my feelings or stress or relief...or something...
I feel really fat. And I feel really scared. I still have not found the determination I know I once had. I don't feel the intensity. Maybe I need to feel tangible results again. My pants feel a tiny bit tighter and I'm getting annoyed at myself for ever taking a break. Nothing's a quick fix, it might take another week or two for my pants to go back to how they were pre-break and that's ok as long as they GO BACK!!!
With experience I've learned over and over that when I get to the end of the week, more times than not I crack under pressure. Meaning, if I splurge mid-week and use up all my flex points, the sheer stress of zero flexibility almost always gets me by the end of the week. Especially when I'm tired and I am EXHAUSTED! I had a plan, a well calculated plan, but the sheer stress and self inflicted pressure of having a perfect week broke me at crunch time. I need to use this knowledge REALLY USE IT to understand that I need to be strict at the beginning of the week and gradually give myself slack until the end.
I wasn't bad this week. I wasn't bad today. I was just bad tonight and I don't even think I was all that horrendous. This wasn't 'a run out for Ben & Jerry's splurge this was a 100-calorie pack, scavenge the cabinets kind of splurge. I realize it doesn't sound that bad but things have a way of accumulating.
Uugh. Well now this week is over and that's out of the way. I biked at the gym 5 times this week and that is definitely progress! I don't think it exacerbated my back problem at all so IT'S ON! Anything's better than nothing, right? Similar to cabinet grazing calories, exercise accumulates too and I definitely burned 500+ more calories this week than I did the week before!
I'm excited to tackle this next week. Once again (if at first you don't succeed...) I think I'm going to approach it like a detox week and I don't see any uncontrollable dining out situations on the horizon. I will avoid them like the plague. I know this gross disappointed feeling I have right now will fuel my beginning of the week cycle. I just need to get back in sync with this damn cycle and cycle my way into bathing suit season. Harumpf.
4/13/10
Day 6
Why is it that following a particularly heinous day, it seems that stuffing my face will make me feel better? The truth is, it kinda does. But only in the short run. Isn't it sort of self-sabotage rather than loving consolation for a bad day?
I'm out of the zone. At first I wasn't worried but now I'm starting to panic. It's really taking a lot longer than imagined to jump back into this thing! Granted I'm doing better in these past 5 days than I had been the two weeks prior, but I am nowhere near "on point".
Today is Tuesday, the official start of a new week according to my Weight Watchers point tracker. I'm starting fresh (once again) and I'm really really really trying to be drop-dead determined. It's almost like I'm too run down to do the work but am still wanting the pay off. It doesn't have to be that hard! I've done it before, I can do it again. I need to summon up my still napping will-power. Wake up! Wake up! WAAAKKKE UUUUUP!!!
I'm out of the zone. At first I wasn't worried but now I'm starting to panic. It's really taking a lot longer than imagined to jump back into this thing! Granted I'm doing better in these past 5 days than I had been the two weeks prior, but I am nowhere near "on point".
Today is Tuesday, the official start of a new week according to my Weight Watchers point tracker. I'm starting fresh (once again) and I'm really really really trying to be drop-dead determined. It's almost like I'm too run down to do the work but am still wanting the pay off. It doesn't have to be that hard! I've done it before, I can do it again. I need to summon up my still napping will-power. Wake up! Wake up! WAAAKKKE UUUUUP!!!
4/11/10
Day 4
I'm off to a somewhat rocky start. Due to an unstocked fridge, sampling new (fatty) products for work, and giving into peer pressure I have not been strict as planned! I have not been heinous, but i NEED NEED NEED to take this seriously and get back on track.
Tomorrow's a new day and luckily, falling back into what is now habitually good eating has been much easier than anticipated. Look at that, those 100 days had a lasting effect. And I still have time to have 3 flawless weeks before another much anticipated medical weigh in.
GET WITH IT GODDAMMIT! Summer is sooooo close and hard work now will pay off later. Be a bad ass. DO IT DO IT DO IT. C'mon!
Tomorrow's a new day and luckily, falling back into what is now habitually good eating has been much easier than anticipated. Look at that, those 100 days had a lasting effect. And I still have time to have 3 flawless weeks before another much anticipated medical weigh in.
GET WITH IT GODDAMMIT! Summer is sooooo close and hard work now will pay off later. Be a bad ass. DO IT DO IT DO IT. C'mon!
4/8/10
Day 1
Sweet lord, I feel like a stuffed sausage!
I feel like I weigh 500 lbs. On the bright side, I'm fairly certain that I don't actually weigh 500 lbs and I am more ready than ever to be back on a strict regimen. I crave it! Over these 2 little weeks it seems that I've mysteriously forgotten what fruits and veggies taste like and once again, I may have lost my hunger.
Hopefully any weight I've gained is guilt and water weight that will slide off in a flash. For this little 30-day sprint I will take no mercy. NO coffee. NO caffeine. NO splenda. NO CRAP. About 100 days ago I walloped 30 perfect days with ease. I think I can do it again.
I feel like I weigh 500 lbs. On the bright side, I'm fairly certain that I don't actually weigh 500 lbs and I am more ready than ever to be back on a strict regimen. I crave it! Over these 2 little weeks it seems that I've mysteriously forgotten what fruits and veggies taste like and once again, I may have lost my hunger.
Hopefully any weight I've gained is guilt and water weight that will slide off in a flash. For this little 30-day sprint I will take no mercy. NO coffee. NO caffeine. NO splenda. NO CRAP. About 100 days ago I walloped 30 perfect days with ease. I think I can do it again.
4/7/10
On your marks, get set...
This amazing weather is making me super happy while at the same time reminding me how much I hate feeling chunky in hot summer weather. This is probably a sign, a sign meant only for me because, duh, I am the center of the universe. A sign that there is still time to firm up my floppy parts before summer time. Tomorrow is serious BACK TO WORK.
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