Day 12

I'm a giant loser!!! I'm a worthless hiney hole!!! I'm a masochistic psychopath!!!

Today, mainly tonight, was my last hurdle of the week. It wasn't even a hard one! I got through birthday dinner and an unexpected brunch with grace this weekend and I made the smart choices when I craved the wrong ones. Tonight, all I had to do was eat the dinner I had planned and go to bed. It was a very satisfying dinner too but once I was done my sweet tooth started itching...It was a familiar kind of itch, the kind that can't be scratched. In more literal terms, it was a craving that could not be satisfied with sweet or salty or FOOD. At the risk of sounding too Oprah, I was wanting to eat my feelings or stress or relief...or something...

I feel really fat. And I feel really scared. I still have not found the determination I know I once had. I don't feel the intensity. Maybe I need to feel tangible results again. My pants feel a tiny bit tighter and I'm getting annoyed at myself for ever taking a break. Nothing's a quick fix, it might take another week or two for my pants to go back to how they were pre-break and that's ok as long as they GO BACK!!!

With experience I've learned over and over that when I get to the end of the week, more times than not I crack under pressure. Meaning, if I splurge mid-week and use up all my flex points, the sheer stress of zero flexibility almost always gets me by the end of the week. Especially when I'm tired and I am EXHAUSTED! I had a plan, a well calculated plan, but the sheer stress and self inflicted pressure of having a perfect week broke me at crunch time. I need to use this knowledge REALLY USE IT to understand that I need to be strict at the beginning of the week and gradually give myself slack until the end.

I wasn't bad this week. I wasn't bad today. I was just bad tonight and I don't even think I was all that horrendous. This wasn't 'a run out for Ben & Jerry's splurge this was a 100-calorie pack, scavenge the cabinets kind of splurge. I realize it doesn't sound that bad but things have a way of accumulating.

Uugh. Well now this week is over and that's out of the way. I biked at the gym 5 times this week and that is definitely progress! I don't think it exacerbated my back problem at all so IT'S ON! Anything's better than nothing, right? Similar to cabinet grazing calories, exercise accumulates too and I definitely burned 500+ more calories this week than I did the week before!

I'm excited to tackle this next week. Once again (if at first you don't succeed...) I think I'm going to approach it like a detox week and I don't see any uncontrollable dining out situations on the horizon. I will avoid them like the plague. I know this gross disappointed feeling I have right now will fuel my beginning of the week cycle. I just need to get back in sync with this damn cycle and cycle my way into bathing suit season. Harumpf.