Day 49

I haven't been working out a lot lately. This last lapse in my back health is still giving me pain all the way down the outside of my right leg. This is not the kind of pain I've previously written about. By the way, I feel like I've been writing a hell of a lot about my back. It usually doesn't give me this many stinking problems, I swear this is atypical. The past few times have been soreness due to overexertion and general weakness but this time I really am recovering from something more severe. I've come back from it before but it is excruciatingly slow. The body needs time to heal, I know, but not working out makes me crazy. It must be because of endorphins and crap and I hate it. The brief lapses in soreness have made me hesitant to run but I'm still able to walk briskly, however this injury is painful even when I'm walking on the treadmill.

I feel inclined to go into more detail about a binge eating situation I faced yesterday. There is something that happens to me when I lose my grasp on control. (I think it's highly reactive to a lack of exercise, a proactive constructive contribution that is temporarily unavailable.) It's a tendency to jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wonder if I have some degree of an eating disorder. I'm not a serial binge eater but there is something about falling in to it that clouds your judgment and averts reason. A need to demolish anything that you can put in front of you and to have the things you "deprive yourself of" or can't eat on a diet, even though they are things that aren't that good or worth it anyway. For example, finishing a big chocolate brownie even though it's a little dry and you're already stuffed to the gills. That kind of happened yesterday beginning with brunch. It left me physically uncomfortable and mentally feeling terribly guilty.

I've been fairly good at derailing these occasional occurrences and I'm bothered by my failure yesterday. Nobody's perfect no matter how hard they try. But the need to keep trying will hopefully get me through this a healthier human being.